On my morning walk I realized something. I live to eat. A significant portion of my day involves thinking about, talking about, the shopping for, planning of, prep of...FOOD. No wonder I'm overweight!
I have been eating vegetarian for the last 6 weeks and feel a significant improvement in myself: my skin is clear, I'm eliminating much more often, I have more energy (most days) and foul odors have disappeared. I know, I know, this is probably TMI, however what goes in and it's impact is usually evaluated by what comes out! I did have a couple of days where I tried eating meat again, giving in to the idea of the blood type diet- nope, not for me. I was bloated, constipated and sick with headaches and now my face is breaking out again.
I also realized I am doing this wrong by the fact that I seem to be getting a little bigger. I could say my clothes are getting smaller...but you and I both know that is not the truth! I have been eating mostly carbs and fruit. I need to pay more attention to the veggie side of the garden. I am also not drinking enough good fluids. When did I start drinking soda?? That used to be as strict as me not eating pork!
So I am trying some new stuff out and setting up some standards for myself. Water is essential- I am going to strive for a gallon of agua intake daily. That's alot right? Well, I plan on keeping a gallon jug with my name on it so the kids will leave it alone and drink from the dispenser I already have for them. The goal is to make that gallon empty at least 2 hours before bedtime. I certainly don't want to be up half the night running to the restroom. I think this will be an easy method rather than writing everything down. I also need to research the benefits of alkaline and distilled water- I hear alot about both helping in detoxifying the body, however I like to have more ammunition when I start something than word of mouth.
I am going to have my carbs in the mornings, when I need them most, right before my walk and workout. Cereal, potatoes, and bread can all be enjoyed for breakfast, so that is where I will have them, with some fruit of course. I cannot give up my coffee just yet, but I am going to eliminate the sugar and milk from it. If I like it so much I should be able to take it black or not at all. Right? Right. After my workouts I am going to rehydrate with 8 oz of coconut water- I need the potassium.
The rest of the day I am going to strive to eat mostly raw foods. I need to study some recipes and prep videos. Salad for every meal is not going to cut it. I am also going to stop eating after sun down. Every evening is going to begin a fast. Once a week my reward is going to be pizza- cheese and bread combined with lots of veggies...yuuuummmm.
I also need to add some supplements. A mega vitamin and an Omega 3/6/9 complex is about all I can think of at the moment. I need to start drinking Dai Quong tea every day, not just during that time of the month.
In short I need to reverse my thinking and start eating to LIVE not living to eat. I could think of at least 6 reasons to live for and only one to eat for (my 5 plus me versus just me...), so majority rules this issue.
Excercising is going well. Most days I just walk. One long walk alone and at least one short walk with the dog. Some days I add some floor excercises just to start off slow building muscle. I'm going through the process of getting a gym membership. Since I'm still unemployed (at least not employed by someone else...) I am trying to get one at the YMCA based on my income. I didn't think the process would take this long, but it should be worth it in the end. I want the Y because of the childcare and the pool. I'd like to take a stroke class. I can swim, but I want to swim properly in order to get the most benefit from it.
It's almost like I need to get a degree in order to learn to eat and be active in a healthy manner. All I keep thinking is, "Wow, I didn't know this...or that...".
While I was walking I was also thinking that I have been filling a hole with food. I have not been happy with myself or my surroundings for a very long time. I am starting to attain true happiness and so food is not holding as much interest as it once did. Now I am looking for other ways to spend my time. I'm getting more set in my likes and dislikes. I am wanting to be out of the house experiencing things first hand more. I am enjoying people for as long as they're around rather than anticipating their departure; realizing that their visit is for a reason and a season. My happiness with myself allows for this type of thinking. I am not dependent on food or other people. Now I am dependent on my growing knowledge, the happiness and success of my children, my ability to provide for my family, reading, writing, movies, crafts, sewing...so many interests, so little time to eat...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
A Pity Party for Birds
I am not a religious person. I was raised in one church or another and continued to attend off and on in my early adulthood. I never found what I was looking for there. I found what I was looking for WITHIN MYSELF and within the world around me, mostly nature, sometimes the influences of the thoughts or ideas of others that rang true with me.
This being said, I also do not condemn others for their various ways of life or degrade their paths. The reasons we all follow what we follow or forge our own paths of understanding are myriad. I don't claim to be right or wrong, I don't profess someone else's way to be right or wrong. It DOES however, get me heated to have someone try to make me swallow their religion against my will or to try to convince me that I am not up to their standards in my journey.
I had a very heated discussion with a bus driver today. Usually on my public transportation adventures I have my earbuds in and my music up. Today I really wanted silence in order to sort out the whir of thoughts I have had recently. Instead I had a bus driver ask one too many personal questions for my taste and then ask me if I am "saved". Saved from what exactly? He wanted to know if I knew Jesus. Exactly how old do I look to you, man??? I wasn't alive back then. I guess I kinda stirred him up because I was being a smart ass. I didn't mean to be insulting, I really meant to be deflective. I wasn't in the mood for this conversation.
Since I was the only one on the bus at the time I guess he felt that this was a good time to see if I was a Christian lady. BIG SIGH. After letting him know that I have no interest in religion or things unseen and spooky he got absolutely indignant. He pulled the bus over to pray for me! Mind you I am already late for work at this point, so I whip out my handy dandy cell phone and offer to call dispatch to let them know exactly what the bus is on the side of the road for. Once the bus is in motion again he proceeds to tell me how he feels sorry for me, he pities me, he will pray for me.
I don't feel sorry for me, but you do. How does that work? Pity parties usually require the host to feel sorry for themselves FIRST. I don't know how this one got dropped on me, but I'm kicking everybody out of that shindig! You don't have to go home, but you gotta get up outta here!
There is nothing in my life to feel sorry for- even if it looks like it. Everything that has happened in my life, good or bad, has happened as a direct result of choices I made, actions I performed or actions I chose NOT to perform, things I said or didn't say. I did or said what I felt was right at the time and carried on to see the reward or penalty of those choices. I did not kneel down and pray for something like a spoiled child asking Santa to bring them something they know they don't deserve. I have always gotten up off my ass and went out and MADE happen anything that happened. I complain sometimes, sure. After I'm done, I set a plan in motion.
I don't knock prayer. I just don't do it. If people say they are going to pray for me I don't usually object because most of the time it is a person who knows me and cares for me and I understand they are doing it out of concern. My personal view is that a prayer in the right frame of mind is still positive energy- that person is willing something good for me. However, if you are angry at me for not seeing YOUR way of things, please DON'T pray for me. There is an energy attached to that that I do not want aimed in my general direction.
In a recent work of fiction that I was reading a character said,"What does it matter what you believe? What is going to happen will happen anyway. What matters is what you do." I like this. This particular character believed in reincarnation, which I'm not so sure about, but his statement made clear sense to me. There is only good and bad. I guess this could be left up to opinion. Some people think tattoos are bad. Some people thing smoking marijuana is bad. Some people think killing is good. Some people think stealing is good. I have tattoos, I don't smoke marijuana, I kill bugs, I have stolen, but not recently. I'm okay with myself as is. Generally I think we all have a sense of right and wrong, the criminally insane excluded. We know that it is wrong to take another human life. What if that human is a threat to your own life? Here is where opinion will come in. We know that is wrong to steal. What if you have no other option to feed yourself? This list of opinionated right and wrong could go on and on starting with abortion and ending with politics. The accepted right and wrong is usually set up by us: society, and it is also changed by this same us accordingly.
In my mind, no one religion or way of life is completely right or wrong. In all there are common truths and there are many fallacies. In all there are fanatics and people who take it to an extreme. In all, things are subject to personal interpretation and application. Like the grapevine game in elementary school, things get lost in translation.
I like birds. They do not concern themselves with other birds and telling those birds what they should or should not be doing. They go about their day taking care of themselves and their own. They don't beat up on other birds because their feathers are different.
I'm only inviting birds to my pity party. They won't care. LOL
This being said, I also do not condemn others for their various ways of life or degrade their paths. The reasons we all follow what we follow or forge our own paths of understanding are myriad. I don't claim to be right or wrong, I don't profess someone else's way to be right or wrong. It DOES however, get me heated to have someone try to make me swallow their religion against my will or to try to convince me that I am not up to their standards in my journey.
I had a very heated discussion with a bus driver today. Usually on my public transportation adventures I have my earbuds in and my music up. Today I really wanted silence in order to sort out the whir of thoughts I have had recently. Instead I had a bus driver ask one too many personal questions for my taste and then ask me if I am "saved". Saved from what exactly? He wanted to know if I knew Jesus. Exactly how old do I look to you, man??? I wasn't alive back then. I guess I kinda stirred him up because I was being a smart ass. I didn't mean to be insulting, I really meant to be deflective. I wasn't in the mood for this conversation.
Since I was the only one on the bus at the time I guess he felt that this was a good time to see if I was a Christian lady. BIG SIGH. After letting him know that I have no interest in religion or things unseen and spooky he got absolutely indignant. He pulled the bus over to pray for me! Mind you I am already late for work at this point, so I whip out my handy dandy cell phone and offer to call dispatch to let them know exactly what the bus is on the side of the road for. Once the bus is in motion again he proceeds to tell me how he feels sorry for me, he pities me, he will pray for me.
I don't feel sorry for me, but you do. How does that work? Pity parties usually require the host to feel sorry for themselves FIRST. I don't know how this one got dropped on me, but I'm kicking everybody out of that shindig! You don't have to go home, but you gotta get up outta here!
There is nothing in my life to feel sorry for- even if it looks like it. Everything that has happened in my life, good or bad, has happened as a direct result of choices I made, actions I performed or actions I chose NOT to perform, things I said or didn't say. I did or said what I felt was right at the time and carried on to see the reward or penalty of those choices. I did not kneel down and pray for something like a spoiled child asking Santa to bring them something they know they don't deserve. I have always gotten up off my ass and went out and MADE happen anything that happened. I complain sometimes, sure. After I'm done, I set a plan in motion.
I don't knock prayer. I just don't do it. If people say they are going to pray for me I don't usually object because most of the time it is a person who knows me and cares for me and I understand they are doing it out of concern. My personal view is that a prayer in the right frame of mind is still positive energy- that person is willing something good for me. However, if you are angry at me for not seeing YOUR way of things, please DON'T pray for me. There is an energy attached to that that I do not want aimed in my general direction.
In a recent work of fiction that I was reading a character said,"What does it matter what you believe? What is going to happen will happen anyway. What matters is what you do." I like this. This particular character believed in reincarnation, which I'm not so sure about, but his statement made clear sense to me. There is only good and bad. I guess this could be left up to opinion. Some people think tattoos are bad. Some people thing smoking marijuana is bad. Some people think killing is good. Some people think stealing is good. I have tattoos, I don't smoke marijuana, I kill bugs, I have stolen, but not recently. I'm okay with myself as is. Generally I think we all have a sense of right and wrong, the criminally insane excluded. We know that it is wrong to take another human life. What if that human is a threat to your own life? Here is where opinion will come in. We know that is wrong to steal. What if you have no other option to feed yourself? This list of opinionated right and wrong could go on and on starting with abortion and ending with politics. The accepted right and wrong is usually set up by us: society, and it is also changed by this same us accordingly.
In my mind, no one religion or way of life is completely right or wrong. In all there are common truths and there are many fallacies. In all there are fanatics and people who take it to an extreme. In all, things are subject to personal interpretation and application. Like the grapevine game in elementary school, things get lost in translation.
I like birds. They do not concern themselves with other birds and telling those birds what they should or should not be doing. They go about their day taking care of themselves and their own. They don't beat up on other birds because their feathers are different.
I'm only inviting birds to my pity party. They won't care. LOL
Out On My Dolo
Saturday night I had a rare night out. Since many of my so-called "friends" are either out of state, have children like me, or are otherwise busy, I went out alone. I had a few drinks, nothing serious or over the top, listened to some music, bumped into a few people I knew.
One of these people I knew through my associations with a local agency and she was out with a friend that I didn't know. After I had spoken to her and moved on to speak to someone else she came over and asked if I could come back to her table. Sensing some type of drama about to take place, I went anyway.
Turns out I have had dealings with the unknown friend in the past. She asked if I was who I am and I confirmed that I am she, and she introduced herself by name. It didn't click. Then she ran down a list of my ex-husband's distant relatives and how she is related to them somehow or another. Still no click. Then I thought for a second....OOOOHHH. I DO know her!
When my marriage was first dissolving my ex and I did a series of back and forths, my polite way of saying we were still physically involved off and on, which wreaked havoc with (I think) both of our emotions at the time. I believe we still cared about eachother while at the same time hated eachother. It was one of the most confusing times of my life and also a major catalyst for positive change and growth as well.
During this messy time in the beginning stages of divorce I had gone through the hubby's cell phone while he was snoring and had read a series of texts between him and this person. Jealousy took over my entire being at that moment. I called her. I not only called her, I said some really nasty, hateful things to her which I cannot even repeat now.
Back to the moment at hand. I looked her in her eye and told her that I owed her an apology. Face to face, woman to woman. I explained what I'm sure she already knew; that I was in emotional turmoil at that point in my life and acted completely out of character and was deeply apologetic for the things that I said to her.
Once upon a time in my life, I would have continued to carry this unreasonable, unfounded grudge just for GP (general purposes). I would have realized who she was and cursed her up one side and down the next, AGAIN. Now, however, I have learned that the best thing to do when one has acted like a dumb ass is to repent. Some would say that I acted out of fear of the other person, those who know me would know better than that. I acted very well within my own heart. I have found that forgiveness and settling disputes, even old ones, brings about a new peace in my life. It heals wounds I didn't even remember that I had. It doesn't always mean that I have to be bosom buddies with the people that I forgive. It means that I am letting go of things that are weighing me down. I am emptying my bags.
In a previous blog, which has long since been deleted, I analyzed the song by Erykah Badu called Bag Lady. She metaphorically sings about the bags that all of us women carry through life and what hurts, happiness, and hopes we carry in those various containers. Some of us have garbage bags and some us have Gucci bags. Some carry a paper sack and some have a cute little wristlet. The garbage bag full of just that- garbage- is unhealthy to lug around. However, who really knows what is inside of each bag. That Coach bag or Dooney and Bourke could be flat out empty, nothing of value. The paper sack could hold all of life's simplest pleasures or greasy leftovers of pain and regreat from past mistakes. Some of us women pack light for the journey, some of us lug around the uneccessary, anticipating (or maybe perceiving?) a rocky road ahead. We need to only be carrying the essentials and the light stuff of life. Leave all that heavy, deadweight on the side of the road before you hurt your back. "Let it go, let it go, let it go..."
So later on that night, feeling contemplative, I wandered into IHOP, still alone. I ordered pancakes and turkey sausage and requested the company of the manager on duty. She also happens to be an old aquaintance. She sat down and without so much of a direct conversation with apologies, I feel like another burden was set down. We talked about life in the random: our children, our jobs, our men. I walked away without eating all of my food, and still feeling 'full-filled'. One more piece of my past turbulent self was LET GO.
I went home, soaked in the tub, washed off the smell of clubs and reflected on my interesting solo night. The night almost turned out completely different if not for a twist, but it still ended up turning into exactly what it should have been: a good night.
One of these people I knew through my associations with a local agency and she was out with a friend that I didn't know. After I had spoken to her and moved on to speak to someone else she came over and asked if I could come back to her table. Sensing some type of drama about to take place, I went anyway.
Turns out I have had dealings with the unknown friend in the past. She asked if I was who I am and I confirmed that I am she, and she introduced herself by name. It didn't click. Then she ran down a list of my ex-husband's distant relatives and how she is related to them somehow or another. Still no click. Then I thought for a second....OOOOHHH. I DO know her!
When my marriage was first dissolving my ex and I did a series of back and forths, my polite way of saying we were still physically involved off and on, which wreaked havoc with (I think) both of our emotions at the time. I believe we still cared about eachother while at the same time hated eachother. It was one of the most confusing times of my life and also a major catalyst for positive change and growth as well.
During this messy time in the beginning stages of divorce I had gone through the hubby's cell phone while he was snoring and had read a series of texts between him and this person. Jealousy took over my entire being at that moment. I called her. I not only called her, I said some really nasty, hateful things to her which I cannot even repeat now.
Back to the moment at hand. I looked her in her eye and told her that I owed her an apology. Face to face, woman to woman. I explained what I'm sure she already knew; that I was in emotional turmoil at that point in my life and acted completely out of character and was deeply apologetic for the things that I said to her.
Once upon a time in my life, I would have continued to carry this unreasonable, unfounded grudge just for GP (general purposes). I would have realized who she was and cursed her up one side and down the next, AGAIN. Now, however, I have learned that the best thing to do when one has acted like a dumb ass is to repent. Some would say that I acted out of fear of the other person, those who know me would know better than that. I acted very well within my own heart. I have found that forgiveness and settling disputes, even old ones, brings about a new peace in my life. It heals wounds I didn't even remember that I had. It doesn't always mean that I have to be bosom buddies with the people that I forgive. It means that I am letting go of things that are weighing me down. I am emptying my bags.
In a previous blog, which has long since been deleted, I analyzed the song by Erykah Badu called Bag Lady. She metaphorically sings about the bags that all of us women carry through life and what hurts, happiness, and hopes we carry in those various containers. Some of us have garbage bags and some us have Gucci bags. Some carry a paper sack and some have a cute little wristlet. The garbage bag full of just that- garbage- is unhealthy to lug around. However, who really knows what is inside of each bag. That Coach bag or Dooney and Bourke could be flat out empty, nothing of value. The paper sack could hold all of life's simplest pleasures or greasy leftovers of pain and regreat from past mistakes. Some of us women pack light for the journey, some of us lug around the uneccessary, anticipating (or maybe perceiving?) a rocky road ahead. We need to only be carrying the essentials and the light stuff of life. Leave all that heavy, deadweight on the side of the road before you hurt your back. "Let it go, let it go, let it go..."
So later on that night, feeling contemplative, I wandered into IHOP, still alone. I ordered pancakes and turkey sausage and requested the company of the manager on duty. She also happens to be an old aquaintance. She sat down and without so much of a direct conversation with apologies, I feel like another burden was set down. We talked about life in the random: our children, our jobs, our men. I walked away without eating all of my food, and still feeling 'full-filled'. One more piece of my past turbulent self was LET GO.
I went home, soaked in the tub, washed off the smell of clubs and reflected on my interesting solo night. The night almost turned out completely different if not for a twist, but it still ended up turning into exactly what it should have been: a good night.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Summer Camp
I just put two of my children on a church van to go away to summer camp for the first time. This is also my first time sending any of my children to an overnight camp. I think I hid my nervousness pretty well, trying not to add to their anxiety, but when Grace, 10, said she felt sick, I could sympathize. My stomach is in knots now and probably will be until I get that first phone call. In this day and age you just never know what could happen. It's scary for all of us for different reasons.
I can remember the first time I went to overnight camp in fourth grade. It was sponsored by the Roanoke Rescue Mission and it was the second summer that we lived in Roanoke. I had been attending their youth groups every week throughout the school year and they sponsored me to go to Camp Bethel (if I remember correctly). I was scared to death! I knew most of the kids from my youth group, so it wasn't that. I think it was just the idea of being away from the familiarity of home. In my case it wasn't so much missing my parents, they were rarely home anyway. It was plain and simple fear of the unknown.
I'm sure Gracie was feeling some of this as well. She is a rising fifth grader, not too far from the age I was when I went away for the first time. Corey, on the other hand, who is seven, was surprisingly excited. He is the classic mama's boy, so I was really surprised when I could barely get a hug before he left! Grace is the opposite, extremely independent and self-reliant (no idea where she gets it from), but I had to force her to go. I told her she will thank me when she gets home. I'm crossing my fingers on that!
I don't want to give voice to my fears, however I'm not sure who has more reason to be scared, me or her! I guess this is part of my inner control freak- I don't let my children too far out of my sight. I am a hover mother. So to let them go to camp for SIX WHOLE DAYS without me is encouraging growth on both sides of this fence. I have to learn to trust them out in the world without me and they have to learn to forge their own way in that same world. SCARY STUFF. I always like to say that I am not raising children, I am raising future adults, so this is a good step for us. They are getting to practice the foundation I laid for them for the past seven to ten years and I get to practice letting go. I don't want dependent adult children because let's face the plus side to having children while I'm young: Mama will still be hot enough to enjoy herself when they are grown! :D I also don't want to be the meddling mother (or mother-in-law). I want my children to be whole, well-rounded and self-sufficient. This is the first of the nest emptying steps. Let's see how WE get through this test!
I can remember the first time I went to overnight camp in fourth grade. It was sponsored by the Roanoke Rescue Mission and it was the second summer that we lived in Roanoke. I had been attending their youth groups every week throughout the school year and they sponsored me to go to Camp Bethel (if I remember correctly). I was scared to death! I knew most of the kids from my youth group, so it wasn't that. I think it was just the idea of being away from the familiarity of home. In my case it wasn't so much missing my parents, they were rarely home anyway. It was plain and simple fear of the unknown.
I'm sure Gracie was feeling some of this as well. She is a rising fifth grader, not too far from the age I was when I went away for the first time. Corey, on the other hand, who is seven, was surprisingly excited. He is the classic mama's boy, so I was really surprised when I could barely get a hug before he left! Grace is the opposite, extremely independent and self-reliant (no idea where she gets it from), but I had to force her to go. I told her she will thank me when she gets home. I'm crossing my fingers on that!
I don't want to give voice to my fears, however I'm not sure who has more reason to be scared, me or her! I guess this is part of my inner control freak- I don't let my children too far out of my sight. I am a hover mother. So to let them go to camp for SIX WHOLE DAYS without me is encouraging growth on both sides of this fence. I have to learn to trust them out in the world without me and they have to learn to forge their own way in that same world. SCARY STUFF. I always like to say that I am not raising children, I am raising future adults, so this is a good step for us. They are getting to practice the foundation I laid for them for the past seven to ten years and I get to practice letting go. I don't want dependent adult children because let's face the plus side to having children while I'm young: Mama will still be hot enough to enjoy herself when they are grown! :D I also don't want to be the meddling mother (or mother-in-law). I want my children to be whole, well-rounded and self-sufficient. This is the first of the nest emptying steps. Let's see how WE get through this test!
Irked
Recently it has come to my attention that a select few women have taken it upon themselves to critique my life. Great, except they are not sharing that critique with the one person to whom this life matters: ME. Not that I would listen or care anyway, which is probably why they have chosen to take this to the level of gossip and hearsay, otherwise known in my realm as GARBAGE.
My life (the topic at hand) is by no means perfect by anyone's standards. Whose is? ;) I'm happy with the way it's shaping up, all things considered. I don't complain about it much. I can't say I'm content or comfortable because there is still a lot of work to be done and changes to be made. I feel as though I am ensconced in my chrysalis, doing much needed work to transform self into that whole and final being that will carry on. Truth is, I may have to re-enter this chrysalis stage many, many times before I finally get it right. This acknowledgement of the un-perfect life is exactly that: an acknowledgement. I'm comfortable with change most of the time. LOL
I don't spend much time comparing what I have against what others have. I spend even less time trying to be like others or fit into a mold that is usually predetermined by the media. I do what I feel is right, I participate in what I feel is worthy, and I try not to get too hung up in the particulars. The bigger picture is where I like to set my gaze, asking myself constantly if this or that will matter in five, ten, twenty years. Most of the time the answer is "no".
I could address what is being said about me, but as I stated, it really doesn't matter. The part that bothers me is that we have grown women from their late twenties to early forties talking negatively about each other, behind backs. This is not unlike the behavior most of us had in middle school, before we knew better! I absolutely cannot understand how we can tear each other up instead of supporting one another and offering words of kindness and encouragement, not just to the person, but to others as well. The only thing I am thinking when I hear a woman talk about another woman behind her back is, "What does she say about me when I'm not around?" They spit the meanest things out of their mouths and may even call this woman their FRIEND. Why not just be real and eliminate this person from your circle if you don't care much for them? People change and evolve and the relationships and attachments these people have will also change and evolve. Losing and gaining friendships are part of this natural process of growth, but it's like leaving an employer: you don't want to burn your bridges because you have may have to pass through here again. So tell the truth and put in the proper prospective rather than chin and grin and be less than genuine with yourself and others.
I wonder to myself why these women would not just say to me, "Look, I don't really like who you are and I don't want to have any further relationship with you." I would be fine with that. Why? Because they are entitled to their opinion! I no longer fit into many of the cookie cutter stereotypes that I used to. It's understandable that my past friends who are still spinning their wheels on that track might not have anything in common with me anymore. It's OK. Really. My feelings will not be hurt. If anything they should know that I am direct and honest and appreciate the same from others.
Things such as clubbing, a cute outfit, being sexy, looking like a video chick, consuming mass amounts of liquor, a pair of new sneakers, or being fly at all times don't really appeal to me much anymore. I have my sights set a little higher. Don't get me wrong, I still drool over shoes and clothes, but they are more like handmade skirts and embellished kung-fu shoes than something I saw on a BET video. My jewelery is less heavy metal and more lampwork beads, although I'll never give up my big hoops! I spend more time reading and less time in the club trying to see who will notice that my ass looks good in my Seven jeans. There are things from that life that will never leave me, like carrying a Sharpie everywhere I go or my penchant for colorful sneakers and odd t-shirts. But I have bigger goals now and that is to turn out five well rounded individuals who also happen to have my eyes onto society and to leave behind a legacy that they will be proud to call their own.
I came from the ghetto, I don't dwell there. I raised myself first so I could raise these Stars to be the best. I love and support even when I don't agree because sometimes I need that myself. I let you be you without criticism because that is who you are supposed to be and when you need the helping hand to make changes I'll be there for that too. I use my hurt, dissatisfaction, and my anger as a propellant, not as an excuse.
In the words of Nicole (not sure if she wants her name out there like that), "Elevation is my position!" If you're not in line with that, please step aside, I have things to do.
My life (the topic at hand) is by no means perfect by anyone's standards. Whose is? ;) I'm happy with the way it's shaping up, all things considered. I don't complain about it much. I can't say I'm content or comfortable because there is still a lot of work to be done and changes to be made. I feel as though I am ensconced in my chrysalis, doing much needed work to transform self into that whole and final being that will carry on. Truth is, I may have to re-enter this chrysalis stage many, many times before I finally get it right. This acknowledgement of the un-perfect life is exactly that: an acknowledgement. I'm comfortable with change most of the time. LOL
I don't spend much time comparing what I have against what others have. I spend even less time trying to be like others or fit into a mold that is usually predetermined by the media. I do what I feel is right, I participate in what I feel is worthy, and I try not to get too hung up in the particulars. The bigger picture is where I like to set my gaze, asking myself constantly if this or that will matter in five, ten, twenty years. Most of the time the answer is "no".
I could address what is being said about me, but as I stated, it really doesn't matter. The part that bothers me is that we have grown women from their late twenties to early forties talking negatively about each other, behind backs. This is not unlike the behavior most of us had in middle school, before we knew better! I absolutely cannot understand how we can tear each other up instead of supporting one another and offering words of kindness and encouragement, not just to the person, but to others as well. The only thing I am thinking when I hear a woman talk about another woman behind her back is, "What does she say about me when I'm not around?" They spit the meanest things out of their mouths and may even call this woman their FRIEND. Why not just be real and eliminate this person from your circle if you don't care much for them? People change and evolve and the relationships and attachments these people have will also change and evolve. Losing and gaining friendships are part of this natural process of growth, but it's like leaving an employer: you don't want to burn your bridges because you have may have to pass through here again. So tell the truth and put in the proper prospective rather than chin and grin and be less than genuine with yourself and others.
I wonder to myself why these women would not just say to me, "Look, I don't really like who you are and I don't want to have any further relationship with you." I would be fine with that. Why? Because they are entitled to their opinion! I no longer fit into many of the cookie cutter stereotypes that I used to. It's understandable that my past friends who are still spinning their wheels on that track might not have anything in common with me anymore. It's OK. Really. My feelings will not be hurt. If anything they should know that I am direct and honest and appreciate the same from others.
Things such as clubbing, a cute outfit, being sexy, looking like a video chick, consuming mass amounts of liquor, a pair of new sneakers, or being fly at all times don't really appeal to me much anymore. I have my sights set a little higher. Don't get me wrong, I still drool over shoes and clothes, but they are more like handmade skirts and embellished kung-fu shoes than something I saw on a BET video. My jewelery is less heavy metal and more lampwork beads, although I'll never give up my big hoops! I spend more time reading and less time in the club trying to see who will notice that my ass looks good in my Seven jeans. There are things from that life that will never leave me, like carrying a Sharpie everywhere I go or my penchant for colorful sneakers and odd t-shirts. But I have bigger goals now and that is to turn out five well rounded individuals who also happen to have my eyes onto society and to leave behind a legacy that they will be proud to call their own.
I came from the ghetto, I don't dwell there. I raised myself first so I could raise these Stars to be the best. I love and support even when I don't agree because sometimes I need that myself. I let you be you without criticism because that is who you are supposed to be and when you need the helping hand to make changes I'll be there for that too. I use my hurt, dissatisfaction, and my anger as a propellant, not as an excuse.
In the words of Nicole (not sure if she wants her name out there like that), "Elevation is my position!" If you're not in line with that, please step aside, I have things to do.
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