Out On My Dolo

Saturday night I had a rare night out. Since many of my so-called "friends" are either out of state, have children like me, or are otherwise busy, I went out alone. I had a few drinks, nothing serious or over the top, listened to some music, bumped into a few people I knew.
One of these people I knew through my associations with a local agency and she was out with a friend that I didn't know. After I had spoken to her and moved on to speak to someone else she came over and asked if I could come back to her table. Sensing some type of drama about to take place, I went anyway.
Turns out I have had dealings with the unknown friend in the past. She asked if I was who I am and I confirmed that I am she, and she introduced herself by name. It didn't click. Then she ran down a list of my ex-husband's distant relatives and how she is related to them somehow or another. Still no click. Then I thought for a second....OOOOHHH. I DO know her!
When my marriage was first dissolving my ex and I did a series of back and forths, my polite way of saying we were still physically involved off and on, which wreaked havoc with (I think) both of our emotions at the time. I believe we still cared about eachother while at the same time hated eachother. It was one of the most confusing times of my life and also a major catalyst for positive change and growth as well.
During this messy time in the beginning stages of divorce I had gone through the hubby's cell phone while he was snoring and had read a series of texts between him and this person. Jealousy took over my entire being at that moment. I called her. I not only called her, I said some really nasty, hateful things to her which I cannot even repeat now.
Back to the moment at hand. I looked her in her eye and told her that I owed her an apology. Face to face, woman to woman. I explained what I'm sure she already knew; that I was in emotional turmoil at that point in my life and acted completely out of character and was deeply apologetic for the things that I said to her.
Once upon a time in my life, I would have continued to carry this unreasonable, unfounded grudge just for GP (general purposes). I would have realized who she was and cursed her up one side and down the next, AGAIN. Now, however, I have learned that the best thing to do when one has acted like a dumb ass is to repent. Some would say that I acted out of fear of the other person, those who know me would know better than that. I acted very well within my own heart. I have found that forgiveness and settling disputes, even old ones, brings about a new peace in my life. It heals wounds I didn't even remember that I had. It doesn't always mean that I have to be bosom buddies with the people that I forgive. It means that I am letting go of things that are weighing me down. I am emptying my bags.
In a previous blog, which has long since been deleted, I analyzed the song by Erykah Badu called Bag Lady. She metaphorically sings about the bags that all of us women carry through life and what hurts, happiness, and hopes we carry in those various containers. Some of us have garbage bags and some us have Gucci bags. Some carry a paper sack and some have a cute little wristlet. The garbage bag full of just that- garbage- is unhealthy to lug around. However, who really knows what is inside of each bag. That Coach bag or Dooney and Bourke could be flat out empty, nothing of value. The paper sack could hold all of life's simplest pleasures or greasy leftovers of pain and regreat from past mistakes. Some of us women pack light for the journey, some of us lug around the uneccessary, anticipating (or maybe perceiving?) a rocky road ahead. We need to only be carrying the essentials and the light stuff of life. Leave all that heavy, deadweight on the side of the road before you hurt your back. "Let it go, let it go, let it go..."
So later on that night, feeling contemplative, I wandered into IHOP, still alone. I ordered pancakes and turkey sausage and requested the company of the manager on duty. She also happens to be an old aquaintance. She sat down and without so much of a direct conversation with apologies, I feel like another burden was set down. We talked about life in the random: our children, our jobs, our men. I walked away without eating all of my food, and still feeling 'full-filled'. One more piece of my past turbulent self was LET GO.
I went home, soaked in the tub, washed off the smell of clubs and reflected on my interesting solo night. The night almost turned out completely different if not for a twist, but it still ended up turning into exactly what it should have been: a good night.